Building Emotional Regulation Skills
Many people are very familiar with executive functioning skills like time management and organization, but fewer are aware of the importance of emotional regulation. Emotional regulation is your ability to function smoothly and consistently, even when something irritating or upsetting occurs. As you can imagine, life is full of frustrations every day. However, the expectation from those around you is that you will honor your responsibilities and continue to be productive. Emotional regulation becomes crucial in moments when an argument is escalating, and you can no longer think logically about the interaction. Another example of emotional regulation is when you face a long-term project and wake up not feeling inspired to work on it. You might find any number of reasons not to get started, from your mood to the amount of distractions you encounter.
As I describe this, you may be thinking, "How can someone change how they feel? Isn't it natural to react to situations? This sounds more like a personal style than a skill." These are all excellent questions. However, the wonderful thing is that your ability to regulate your emotions is indeed a skill. This means you can practice strategies that develop your metacognition (how you think about your thinking) and learn to make better decisions and choices.
My most favorite technique is (drumroll, please) the PAUSE. The pause between something upsetting and your reaction is probably the most valuable time you can give yourself. For example, when I am getting frustrated and can feel that I am about to express that frustration in unexpected and damaging ways, I notice my physical signs (increased heart rate, anger, irritation) and visualize them in my head as a stop sign. This allows me to remove myself from the situation and find a way to soothe myself, perhaps with music, a short walk, or looking at my photos on my phone. During the pause, I give myself the opportunity to activate my higher-order thinking (not my quick, instinctual angry response) and respond better.
But why stop here? Let's add to the tools in our Emotional Regulation toolbox and follow the PAUSE up with the Reflection Technique. Think of the Reflection technique as stopping to check your reflection in a mirror. Why am I reacting this way? What is making me so irritated that I can't accomplish my goals for today? This isn't about finding excuses but understanding your triggers. It's about asking yourself, "What part of this is within my control?" Often, just recognizing that you have some control over your reactions can be calming in itself. This technique can be as simple as jotting down your thoughts in a journal, talking it out with a friend, or even taking a few deep breaths and mentally walking through what happened. By reflecting, you're not only cooling down but also learning for next time.
By practicing the Pause and Reflect technique, you will find that you can make better decisions, control overreactions, and learn how to reconnect with your goals. Granted, beginnings are hard, and stopping yourself from previous patterns of behavior takes time. Behavior change always feels unnatural at the beginning, but over time, practicing Pause and Reflect will get you to your best self and facilitate the growth you want for yourself.
